YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL AND WELL, NEITHER AM I
First of all, my mummy told me that I am made for signs and wonder so joke’s on you.
Having a mental health disorder means that I get a lot of unsolicited and quite frankly, annoying ‘advice’. There are some things that I particularly do not like to hear about my mental health especially from people who have no idea what I deal with on a daily basis. Usually, these advice are well intentioned but they don’t always come out right; I have heard things like “just pray”, “stop taking medication, its making it worse”, “you just need a boyfriend, that’s all” but two things that I have heard and immediately hated are
1. You are not special
2. This is your responsibility
Insert laughter here used to mask my deep desire to murder the people who said these things to me; just kidding (but am I?). First of all, my mummy told me that I am made for signs and wonder so joke’s on you, I’m more special than sliced bread plus, I didn’t choose my health issue so how is this my fault?
The bitter, incredibly hard to swallow truth is, in the end, when I look at it from the grand scheme of things, I am not (that) special (sorry mom) and this really is my responsibility. These two statements “You are not special” and “This is your responsibility” are statements that I have actively chosen to adopt for my life –as soon as I calmed down to process and understand, of course –in regards to my mental health and hopefully, going forward, they will still be a huge part of my journey in every aspect. I believe that these two statements need to be hung in the hearts of every person in regards to life but most importantly, in the hearts, minds and brains of everyone who lives with a mental disorder.
When I first received my diagnosis I believed that I was special; how could I not be because, tell me, how many people had the strength and tenacity to take on the bullshit that life throws at them resulting in a personality disorder accompanied with depression and still turn out alright-ish? There was no other explanation for it, I had to be a rock star but ultimately realizing that millions of people lived with mental health disorders and thrived burst my bubble and led me to the realization that I wasn’t part of a small, chosen, elite group of resilient people. I was just a girl living with a difficult illness like many others all around the world. I was not special and this literally led me down an emotional spiral with lots of confusion and tears.
I questioned my worth and my value because if BPD didn’t make me special, then what did? I don’t know where I got the idea from but I had believed so strongly that I was “chosen”, one out of many who could live with and bear the pain that came with a personality disorder, that I was “anointed” to carry the level of difficulty that is my life and still be an inspiration to people. I was convinced that I was supposed to rise above the cards I had been dealt and just automatically win at life. But all the statistics proved to me that having a mental health disorder does not make me super human and it sure as hell doesn’t make you super human either. We’re just humans with illnesses. Period.
The idea of being ‘special’ is an entitlement that I believe is ingrained into our society and has roots deep even in the smallest unit of said society –the family. It has you feeling that because you’re ‘special’, the world needs to defer to you in certain ways and so your mental illness is either a great disservice to you or a gift to the world. It’s basically swinging the pendulum to extreme ends: it’s either you are the runt of the earth or the reason why the sun has meaning. Here’s some breaking news: neither of those things is true. You’re just like everyone else and that’s not a bad thing. I’m not trying to take away your childhood and every time your mom told you that you are destined for greatness; you can go ahead and keep believing that if it works for your self-esteem, your confidence and keeps you on the path toward achieving your dreams and goals but the thought that your mental illness makes you different from everyone else either extremely negatively or extremely positively is an entitlement that you need to burn. Set fire to that thought. Instead, start thinking of yourself as an ordinary person then use that ordinariness to do extraordinary things; use your ordinary life and your ordinary illness to make a change in a tiny part of this world — this is what is special.
Now, let’s talk about responsibility. I really hated to be told that my mental health was my responsibility. The biggest problem here was that I had associated fault/blame with responsibility and because I felt “special”, I felt slighted by the universe and so I was not going to take responsibility for something that’s in no way, my fault. In my head, the only thing that rang clear was “I didn’t choose. This is not my fault”
Well, yes, you didn’t choose the cards you’ve been dealt and the experiences that led up to your illness but you are choosing right now. You are already here –this point in your life that you detest so much but you can either CHOOSE to suffer for taking responsibility or CHOOSE to suffer for not taking responsibility. Either way, YOU are still CHOOSING.
Taking responsibility for your life and your mental illness means that you stop distributing blame for everything that happened to you or is happening to you. When you stop blaming your village people, the uncle that raped you at 7 and the aunt that always maltreated you, you take your power back and you then, solely, determine the course of your life. I’m in no way trying to belittle your experiences or your anger or even put the blame on you –I wouldn’t dare –those things are valid but taking responsibility, in a counter intuitive way, frees you up to take charge of your life, your wellness and ultimately, your own happiness. According to Mark Manson, author of the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, “happiness comes from problem solving” and the problem here is that you lack responsibility for your own self so change it. What can you do differently? What can you implement to make your mental health better and help you live a long and healthy life? What can you do for yourself to change the situation you’re in and help others feel inspired along the way? Be intentional.
Realizing and acknowledging your ordinariness and the part you have to play in your wellness gives you all the tools you need to actually be special. In a world where entitlement is normal, be abnormal.
You’re not special but you can be. You are valued and you are worth it.
