THE GLASS WALL
The result of this is that I ALWAYS feel invisible, isolated, lonely and unloved/unlovable.
Turns out, I have intimacy issues. Calm down, homie. I know that almost every movie ever made has taught you that intimacy equals sex and physicality but you’re an adult now darling, you’ve got to start educating yourself on these issues. I’ll make an exception and educate you today.
Intimacy by definition means a close familiarity or friendship; a cozy and private or relaxed atmosphere. Now that we have your minds out of the gutter, I’ll repeat myself; I have intimacy issues. Technically, i think it just might be the biggest fear of my life. According to goodtherapy.org, ‘intimacy usually denotes mutual vulnerability, openness and sharing’ which is incredibly strange seeing as I consider myself a pretty open and vulnerable person; I mean, I’m currently talking to strangers on the internet about my intimacy issues, it really doesn’t get more vulnerable than that. See what I mean? However, intimacy apparently goes beyond being able to drop a few facts about your life in conversation.
It’s not as though I just found this out today or even recently. I’ve known about my borderline personality disorder for over a year now and the fear of intimacy is pretty much foundational to the disorder. In BPD, it shows up particularly as fear of abandonment and whether that abandonment is real or perceived, the borderline does everything in their power to avoid being abandoned either through manipulation or in my case, largely avoiding relationships and intimacy altogether but you know how people are usually unaware of themselves and self-awareness is a long and difficult journey? Well, I was very unaware of how self-unaware I truly was about this and when it came up in my life during the week, it put my entire self-awareness into question.
My mom and I had a huge fallout regarding personal space and her respecting my privacy and being the child of an African parent, I was automatically wrong. Being cooped up together for months because of the pandemic was the catalyst to the raised voices, accusations flying around the room, hot tempers and lots of tears — yeah, mostly from me. As a grown, independent woman that I am (please cue the clown music), I decided to leave the house for a couple of days just so we could both cool off but honestly, mostly to protect my mental health as I could feel a breakdown coming on; this was the point when I realized just how broke I was. Not only could I not afford any transportation to go anywhere, it also turned out that I didn’t have a lot of intimate relationships that I could turn to for comfort and help.
Not a single place to go, not a single person to call.
I quite honestly had to scroll through my contact lists a couple of times to reach decisions; some of which I immediately regretted. I hated that and it made me feel worse — now cue depression’s familiar touch. I did end up staying with a friend that I have known for over ten years and who was my best friend for half that time but why didn’t she come to my mind immediately and when she did come to my mind, why did I have to overthink it so much, breaking into tears before calling? (P.s: thanks for letting me stay over; I love you)
The thing is, based on evidence, I am a very friendly person and I am pretty open (again) about my life but as it turns out, not enough to build lasting relationships which is incredibly frustrating and annoying because I’m an empath; I feel people’s emotions deeply and attempt to bond with them over those feelings. Psychcentral.com puts it aptly, “intimacy means deeply knowing another person and feeling deeply known”. I don’t feel deeply known by anyone in this world and as soon as I start to know someone deeply, I begin a self-imposed search of all the ways the person could be lying and planning to abandon me. So I build a glass wall, transparent enough for us to communicate but still too high for anyone to cross; before I can be abandoned, I run. Intimacy is like fine wine that gets better with time and to get fine wine, you need patience; these two keys things are just really difficult for me to cultivate and nurture: time and patience. The result of this is that I ALWAYS feel invisible, isolated, lonely and unloved/unlovable.
Wikipedia then states that “sustaining intimacy for a length of time involves well developed emotional and interpersonal awareness”. Oh well.
Dang. BPD actually needs to stop ruining my life.
This whole debacle has made it incredibly difficult, in fact damn near impossible for me to build friendships and relationships let alone sustain them. Dear old friends, lost friends, new friends, exes and all the potential suitors I pushed out the door, it, quite literally, is me, not you.
If any of these ring true for you or resonates deeply with you, hey sister! (Or brother). I can almost hear you sigh deeply in relief knowing that you are not alone; don’t worry, this is actually a pretty common concern in therapy. Here are a few possible reasons why you are afraid of intimacy:
1. Fear of abandonment: You fear that once you open up to someone, they’ll leave you.
2. Fear of rejection: You don’t believe that people are capable of accepting your flaws and you would rather not open up than be rejected.
3. Control issues: You fear that you would lose your control, independence and stability when you become emotionally connected to others.
4. Past sexual abuses: This can make it extremely hard to trust people.
Sometimes, mental health issues like avoidant personality disorder and in my case, borderline personality disorder can cause or increase ones fear of intimacy.
Hold up. Why is my name written all over this research? Tsk.
Well, you might think that you are doing relatively fine and ultimately don’t need intimacy but I’m here to break your glass wall. You need intimacy! I need intimacy! Every human being on the face of the planet needs intimacy! We are social creatures and we need close personal relationships to thrive. There are four types of intimacy which are Experiential Intimacy, Emotional intimacy, Intellectual Intimacy and Sexual Intimacy — see? I told you, don’t believe all these movies. Intimacy actively involves accepting your flaws and those of others, appreciating the differences between you and other people, being safe and vulnerable and giving other people the permission to be as well and solving problems compassionately together.
It is possible to overcome fears of intimacy. Finally! Some good news. An important way to overcome this is by employing the help of a competent therapist who would help you unpack your fears and suggest ways for you to overcome them rather than isolate. It is important also for you to be patient and kind to yourself; start with the easy stuff and be vocal about your needs. Someone needs to remind me of this article when next I say ‘no’ to the idea of going out and meeting people or when I give shallow answers to deep questions.
Hopefully, knowing self can lead to healing self. I’m rooting for me and I’m rooting for you.
